Some Rambling: Anger, Community, and Turn Down For What?
I've been angry for a while now. I'm not sure when it started up, but it seems like it's been growing slowly over the past year. And as it's grown, my life has disintegrated more and more to the point where it seems like theres nothing left. I've been aware my life could be better, but it really set in a week ago, as I sat in a car watching the desert go by.
I hate my life. I can't think of any other way to put it. I hate how I've been using it and where it's going. It's like I've entered a cycle of nothingness. I go to school and be, "productive," because I'm learning, then I get to summer and go into stand-by mode until the school will start up again. I had hoped as soon as summer began that some miraculous change would occur and I would spend each most of my time in the sun and enjoying life with friends. But school ended and the days got hotter, and nothing changed. Now I just sit at home wasting the days away. Why am I not in the sun? I have no motivation to go outside anymore. Why am I not with friends? I don't have any. I lost them all. One way or another, they seemed to disappear during the school year. Now summer is here but there's no one to share it with.
And it makes me angry. One reason is my own stupidity. I thought my life was headed down an road to something greater, something worth while. The way was rough and hard, but it'd be worth the effort and sacrifice. But now I'm finding that this road is going to a dead end. So here I am at the end of the road, tires blown and gas tank empty, and in the moment I need my friends the most, I find that my phone battery, the connection to my friends, is dead. I was focused on the road and the future that I figured there wouldn't be a need to charge my phone. Everything would be alright when I arrived.
So much for that plan. Now I'm broken down and alone. I have no idea where I am and my stomach has just started grumbling in hunger. I need to get out of here.
Anyway, going back to what I mentioned about watching the desert go by a week ago, I was on my way to ETV when I realized what my life was like. A life of nothing. Just existing until death said I've wasted enough time here. When I arrived at ETV and the days started to go by, nothing changed. I had hoped I could at least get a little ways back into my church's community, but I could never seem to find a way in. I was shut out.
But things changed again. Long story short (I'm getting tired.), I found myself suddenly having fun with my church group and a little bit of hope. I'm still stuck on the beat up road, but at least I have a bit of hope now, which is better than nothing. Anyway, I'm not even sure where this rambling is going. In short, I hate my life, I lost my friends because I'm a pinhead, and I don't know how I can get back on my feet. But I have some sort of hope now. I just need some help getting there.
I still feel conflicted, though. Part of me wants nothing to change, saying, "This how your life is gonna be. Just deal with it and leave it be." But another part of me is starting to break though and says, "This is my life, and I'll do whatever I damn well please with it." I have no clue what I'm gonna do, but I think I might be able to start doing something with my life.
Anyway, I'm done. Thanks, blog. Also, I made videos at ETV this year, including a Turn Down for What parody, which is something I never thought would happen. I might post some stuff from the camp on here.
I hate my life. I can't think of any other way to put it. I hate how I've been using it and where it's going. It's like I've entered a cycle of nothingness. I go to school and be, "productive," because I'm learning, then I get to summer and go into stand-by mode until the school will start up again. I had hoped as soon as summer began that some miraculous change would occur and I would spend each most of my time in the sun and enjoying life with friends. But school ended and the days got hotter, and nothing changed. Now I just sit at home wasting the days away. Why am I not in the sun? I have no motivation to go outside anymore. Why am I not with friends? I don't have any. I lost them all. One way or another, they seemed to disappear during the school year. Now summer is here but there's no one to share it with.
And it makes me angry. One reason is my own stupidity. I thought my life was headed down an road to something greater, something worth while. The way was rough and hard, but it'd be worth the effort and sacrifice. But now I'm finding that this road is going to a dead end. So here I am at the end of the road, tires blown and gas tank empty, and in the moment I need my friends the most, I find that my phone battery, the connection to my friends, is dead. I was focused on the road and the future that I figured there wouldn't be a need to charge my phone. Everything would be alright when I arrived.
So much for that plan. Now I'm broken down and alone. I have no idea where I am and my stomach has just started grumbling in hunger. I need to get out of here.
Anyway, going back to what I mentioned about watching the desert go by a week ago, I was on my way to ETV when I realized what my life was like. A life of nothing. Just existing until death said I've wasted enough time here. When I arrived at ETV and the days started to go by, nothing changed. I had hoped I could at least get a little ways back into my church's community, but I could never seem to find a way in. I was shut out.
But things changed again. Long story short (I'm getting tired.), I found myself suddenly having fun with my church group and a little bit of hope. I'm still stuck on the beat up road, but at least I have a bit of hope now, which is better than nothing. Anyway, I'm not even sure where this rambling is going. In short, I hate my life, I lost my friends because I'm a pinhead, and I don't know how I can get back on my feet. But I have some sort of hope now. I just need some help getting there.
I still feel conflicted, though. Part of me wants nothing to change, saying, "This how your life is gonna be. Just deal with it and leave it be." But another part of me is starting to break though and says, "This is my life, and I'll do whatever I damn well please with it." I have no clue what I'm gonna do, but I think I might be able to start doing something with my life.
Anyway, I'm done. Thanks, blog. Also, I made videos at ETV this year, including a Turn Down for What parody, which is something I never thought would happen. I might post some stuff from the camp on here.
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