I've been going through a lot of old files lately. Particularly my old creative writing files. Here's a funny script I found.
Gunfire
by
Nick Barnes
EXT - Bus Station - Dusk.
The Bus Station duplex is mostly empty. Except for a few cars, including a dark Chevy Bel-air. Inside sit four men, DRAKE, MIKE, RYAN “SHOEMAN”, and DOUBLE M, a Catholic.
DRAKE
Is this really going to happen?
MIKE
You bet it is. Let’s just get this over with.
SHOEMAN
Over with? Let’s take this slowly. I wanna enjoy this.
DOUBLE M
I’m Catholic.
MIKE
Why do you wanna enjoy this, you sick animal?
SHOEMAN
You know how I am, man. Let me have this moment.
MIKE
Hell, no! We don’t have time for that crap. Here’s the plan, we go in, we storm the place, we grab the goods, and jet. No stress, no mess.
SHOEMAN
But the mess is half the fun! C’mon. For once, let’s have some fun.
MIKE
That’s it. (Turns to face DRAKE.) Drake, let me shoot this dipface and-
DRAKE
Relax. We still need him for this job, you know that.
MIKE
Says who?
DRAKE
Says me.
MIKE
Says you?
SHOEMAN
Says him!
MIKE
Says you?
DRAKE
Says him.
SHOEMAN
Says me?
MIKE
Says him?
DRAKE
Says me!
(Silence.)
SHOEMAN
Says you?
MIKE
Let me shoot him.
DRAKE
Shoot him.
(MIKE pulls out a small revolver from his jacket pocket, pointing it straight at SHOEMAN’s head.)
SHOEMAN
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold it!
DRAKE
You’ve been given your chance, Shoeman. You’re chance it up.
SHOEMAN
Are you serious right now?
DRAKE
Nope.
Pause.
SHOEMAN
Really?
DRAKE
I’m kidding.
DRAKE shoots SHOEMAN in the head. Blood splatters on the inside of the car. Silence ensues.
MIKE
Finally.
DOUBLE M
I’m catholic.
Sirens wail in the distance.
DRAKE
Dang. They must’ve heard the gunshot. Time to jet.
MIKE
Let’s hit it!
The Bel-air squeals out of the parking lot just moment before two cop cars pull into the parking lot.
INT - WAREHOUSE - MIDNIGHT
The trio pulls into a dark warehouse, full of boxes, shelves, and other warehousy stuff.
DRAKE
We’ve gotta hurry and get rid of the body.
MIKE
(Observing the blood.)
Man, Shoeman never was able to keep tidy. Double M, go grab the cleaning stuff, alright?
DOUBLE M goes off to get the cleaning supplies quietly. Mike waits until DOUBLE M is gone to speak.
MIKE
You know we’re in deep trouble, right?
DRAKE
Not necessarily. I have my way with words.
MIKE
And the Boss?
DRAKE
Don’t worry about him.
MIKE
Drake, this is the Boss we’re talking about. How am I supposed to NOT worry?
DRAKE
Because you just shouldn’t. Alright? Don’t worry about it.
There is a short silence as DRAKE continues to work on the cars engine.
MIKE
You’re asking an awful lot.
DRAKE
Just like I always do.
DOUBLE M walks back in the room with a large stack of Bibles in hand.
DRAKE
Wait... what?
MIKE
Gosh, dang it, Double M! Can you not do anything right?
DOUBLE M
I’m Catholic.
MIKE
That’s not an excuse! Stop saying that!
DRAKE
It’s alright, Mike. Just let it go.
MIKE
How am I supposed to let it go? He does this every time! Whenever I ask him to do something, he gets something related to freaking Catholicism!
DRAKE
Mike...
MIKE
You know what? I’m done. I’ve put up with enough. I’m ending this.
MIKE pulls out a gun from his leather jacket, pointing it at DOUBLE M.
DRAKE
Mike. Put the gun down.
MIKE
Sorry, Drake. I’ve put up with enough.
MIKE pulls the trigger, sending a bullet through DOUBLE M’s chest. He collapses to the ground, a pile of Bible falling on top of him.
DRAKE
(Runs over to DOUBLE M)
Man... (He kneels down beside DOUBLE M.)
DOUBLE M
(Whispering)
Drake... Drake, I have to tell you something.
DRAKE
What is it, Double M? What is it? (Tears are almost in his eyes)
DOUBLE M
...I was never really catholic.
DOUBLE M dies. Silence ensues.
MIKE
Well... That was unexpected.
EXT - OUTSIDE MANSION - AFTERNOON
DRAKE and MIKE sit in their cleaned Bel-air, outside a large mansion.
DRAKE
Okay, we’re both gonna share the blame for Shoeman, but you’re taking the blame for Double M.
MIKE
(Sighs)
Fine, but we still need to tell him.
DRAKE
Tell him what?
MIKE
What we learned?
Pause.
DRAKE
Very well.
DRAKE and MIKE drive into the mansion. They get out of the car and are escorted into the mansion. They go through a lot of large and fancy halls until they get to a large office, very similar to that of the Oval Office. A large chair sits behind a big desk. A MAN sits in it.
MAN
So, what brings you two here today.
DRAKE
(Awkwardly)
Uh, well sir. We lost two men yesterday.
MAN
Oh? What a loss. But sometimes, life takes other life unexpectedly. Who were the two men.
Pause.
DRAKE
Shoeman and Double M, sir.
MAN
Oh dear. A sad day indeed. I’m sure these two men will be avenged properly. Do you know who took these lives?
DRAKE
Er, um. Yes, sir.
MAN
And?
Pause.
DRAKE
Er... We did, sir.
Another pause.
MAN
Really? Is that so?
DRAKE
Yes, sir. It is so-
MAN flicks his hand, and a bullet goes through DRAKE forehead. He falls to the ground as MIKE gasps.
MIKE
W-Wait, sir! There’s something else!
MAN
Make it quick, kid. You’ve got five seconds.
MIKE
Double-Double M wasn’t Catholic!
Pause.
MAN
What... What did you say?
MIKE
Double M... wasn’t Catholic.
Another pause.
MAN
(Snaps fingers)
Bring me the Red Phone.
A red phone is brought to MAN on a platter. He picks it up and dials a number.
MIKE
S-Sir? What does this mean?
MAN
It means... (He turns around to reveal he is Nicholas Cage.) We’ve going to Defcon 1.
Fade out
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